Time To Fall Up!

I wrote this post a year ago.  It still sits on a sidebar on my computer.  For some reason, I opened it today to reread it and I think that this was more than just a coincidence.  Over our lifetime, there are moments that demand more of us; more than we think we have in us.  Moments can be overwhelming, but then I reread this.  It was that dream that made me feel empowered.  It was also the timing of reading Dr. Dyer’s “I Can See Clearly Now” that made me think about things differently.  So, here this is again…one more time…to help me believe.

I’m crying and afraid that “the giver” won’t come back. But “the giver” always comes back, this time bringing a message in a manila envelope. And “the giver” says, “Don’t worry. This will help you “fall up.”

What does that mean, “fall up”? You can fall down. You can fall off. You can fall in. But who ever heard of “fall up”? Well, that’s what I’m told. There’s a message in the envelope and it will help me understand all the other messages I’ve been collecting. This will all help me “fall up” and I become excited. I open this envelope.  It simply says:

You don’t need others to believe in you.
You need to just believe in yourself.

This was my dream. I woke up smiling. And the words “fall up” stuck with me as I made my morning trip to the gym. While I was on the treadmill, I spent time contemplating these words but I was also listening to “I Can See Clearly Now” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. And he’s talking about how everything happens for a reason and every encounter that we have, in our life, is meant to be a lesson to move us along our given path.

And, then, I see visions of me, as a baby, screaming my way into this world. I see a tired, angry mother, who told me, more than once, that I shouldn’t think that I’m so special. And yet, as I grew older, I turned my back on her words and found the courage to believe that maybe I was not too special but I was special enough to try out for that high school musical. And sure enough, I got the part. I was special enough to apply to a college. And sure enough, I got in. I was even special enough to get a degree, even though my mother thought that the only reason girls went to college was to meet and marry a boy.
And so it went, throughout my days. Hearing the words of my mother-“You’re not that special!” –  but believing in myself anyway. So, here in a dream, I hear those words again:

You don’t need others to believe in you.
You need to just believe in yourself.

I feel like that has been what I’ve been doing my whole life. My mother’s words resonated in my brain. All my life, I have fought for the opposite. I am special! I really do want to believe in myself!

But now, over years of anger and soulful reflection, about my mother, I understand that was just one person, that I would encounter, who was here to teach me something. Each of these people have been “givers”, here to share a message with me. I just have to think about what their message might be. Some of the “givers” have been uninvited.  Still, I learned from them.  Some of the “givers” shared hateful messages but their messages strengthened my resolve. So of those “givers” had beliefs so unlike mine.  Still, I listened!  I reflected!  And then, I took my own stand!

Well, I have written and written about my relationship with my mother and I really don’t want to relive it all again. But, here is the dream, playing in my head and here is Dr. Dyer on my audio feed in the gym, and I am compelled to believe that there is a reason for both of these playing at the same time. So, I return from the gym and set out one more time to write about the lessons I have learned from the people in my life. It’s time to truly just believe in myself.  Stand tall.  Stand proud.  Believe.

And the “Giver” says,

It’s time for you to fall up.